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the beauty of secretive sex

So. wow. shit has happened since i was on last. My boyfriend and i got back together when i moved back to maine. and not even 3 weeks after i get back i'm knocked up. lol. And then we broke up because i couldn't handle his drinking and he's been hanging out with this girl i went to school with. and at first when we broke up we were fighting and now we have a hard time keeping our hands off eachother when we're alone. It's some sort of disgusting animal attraction. But apparently this girl likes him. and last night/this morning we we're messing around and seeing how far we could tease eachother before we couldn't take it anymore. I think i broke my record cause i lasted about an hour. haha. And well we fucked. and now he doesn't want her to know, because he doesn't want her to stop talking to him- which whatever i don't care. so we were keeping it hush hush until his room mate brought up the fact that i was giving him head in his living room and all this shit. But honestly as sick as it is, and as much as love him to death, I fucking love having to sneak around. It's quite possibly the biggest turn on for me. Is that completely sick? the few other times we've broken up and gotten back together we've tried to keep it quiet and it's had the same effect on me. Sometimes i want to be back with him, and then i think of what a rush it is to fuck, in bathrooms, and cars, and other various odd places, so as not to be found out by everyone. Sex is so much more exciting when you have to keep it a secret. But at the same time, i feel like a whore being pregnant and all. meh. sex is too good to have doubts about it. shit happens and you have to deal with it. if he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, then fuck buddies works pretty well for me. just as long as i'm getting what i need.

5 days

 that's how long it's been since i've talked to him.
maybe i scarred him off when i asked him to marry me on my birthday...
he says i didn't. but i mean, i was drunk.  i guess what they say is true, the truth comes out when you're drinking. because that isn't something i would say sober unless he brought it up, but that doesn't mean i don't think about it all the time.  and well now i'm pretty sure he's moved in with his slut of the week. which whatever, if getting fucked is more important to him than i am, there's nothing i can do about it, except tell him i have a boyfreind(which i so don't) and that i'm over him(which i'm soooo fucking not. never in this lifetime will that ever happen) and maybe convincing him will convince me at least enough so that he's not on my mind 24/7. it's a nice dream anyways.

boys make me sick

 Maybe i'm a fool. but for a while things were good with Jake and i. we're in love. it's bliss. blahdy blahdy blah. and all of a sudden his dad is sick he has been for years. but now he has a year to live if he's lucky. and Jakes talking about how he's losing the two most important people to him. Me and his father. and he won't talk to me for more than like 5 minutes.i try to tell him. he hasn't lost me. but if he keeps on with the constant partying and dealing he will. he's willing to give it up. but now he's like avoiding me or something. it's ticking me off big fucking time. because for once in our relationship he was talking about me. and how much he misses haveing me with him everywhere. and not how much he misses my clit. which is nice. i mean, i like sex. but i don't want him to just miss my vagina. i want him to miss me. and for once he can talk about that stuff so much easier than i can. and i was getting used to being "back together" i guess that's what you'd call it. and now it's like he doesn't want to talk to me. gahhh men suck.
on the bright side. my birthday is in less then 2 days. i can buy my own cigarettes. and i'm going to get so fuckign drunk on my birthday i don't think i'll remember my name. My cousin's boyfriend is so funny. they like getting me messed up. apparently i'm funny. he suggested getting me some shrooms for my birthday. that would eb a party to remember. oh yea. it'll befun anyways though. just me, jose, corona, my cousin and her boyfriend.... all that's missing is Jake....


 So just yesterday i was watching tv and every channel i landed on induced heavy drooling. because every channel i landed on had half naked men. very good looking half naked men. and it made me realize just how much i can not wait to get home before i get laid. i need it like. now. seriously. i'm drooling over the tv. it's pathetic. i can't stand it. although if i waited till i got home it would be this mind blowing hours long sesion with quite possible a million great big orgasms and the best looking guy i know. and it would have been an 18th birthday present from him to me (a sort of "your're legal now so we can hook up and be fuck buddies" kind of thing.) if i had not recently decided to wait till sometime this coming spring to go home. boo lack of money i blame you for my celibacy. bahh. i have the worst most perverse mind in the world right now. and there's this one Pantera song. gets me all hot. guitars do that to me..... ughhh. i shutter everytime i hear it. but can you blame me? what would you be like after 4 1/2 months without? gahh. i wish like i could just go home for a very long quickie. then fly back here and be satisfied enough for the next couple of months. that would be an ideal situation. but it's nto going to happen. i know it. my cousin has to find me some "suitable" guys. haha.
 Worland Wyoming.
the middle of nowhere.
i already have a job.
Subways bitches. free subs. yummo.
i've found the library.
and guess what?! i can still get high!!!
doood. my cousin is so awsome.
her boyfriend was like. wow you're cousin is funny. we really should get her drunk one of these days.
it was an all day event to say the least.
and it was fuuuuuun. mhmmmm.
i like it here.
what i don't like are those guys that don't tell you they like you until after you've moved even farther away.
i juat got a text from an old friend and he was like. when are you coming back? we should get together. and it was a whole long perverse conversation that i wouldn't have otherwise had. had i not come out of my shell. but basically i have atleast 3 really fine hook-ups when i go back to Maine.
Screw Jake and his goddamn head games. i'll fuck his friends and let them tell him about it.
it feels great knowing that he's not the only option i have when i go back home.
not sure exactly when i'll be back on.....
have my cell and my aol messenger.

nervous energy makes me antsy

tomorrow night i'm off to my nest destination in my worldly travels.

where there is a higher population of bison than people.
and the only entertainment consists of national parks and hot springs.
meth is big in the west. i'm begging not to get any where near it.
i don't even want to see it, because if i do, i'll want to try it.
if i try it i'll get hooked. that's how i am.

but the peace and quiet will be blissful.
i'm only hoping it is as serene as i'm imagining it to be.
although i know (how cliche) there's no place like home,
hopefully this will be a close second.
i'm counting down the days till i'm legal and don't have to deal with enprisonment, and can be back home.
with my friends.
not necessarily family, because they are the jail keepers, that want to lock me in.
keep me from my friends and any fun.
forgive me for being 17 and enjoying my youth.

my little cousin Liam, he's 8, always asks me "are you sure you wan to leave? can't you stay longer? i really love having you live with us. you're my favorite, you're so much fun...etc." my 5 year old cousin Lily is making me various drawings to decorate the walls of my new bedroom. she's going to miss me. she's already started crying, and it makes me feel bad, because i'm mostly happy to be leaving. and Luke he's 14, just can't wait to have his room back, but he'll miss having someone to talk to and chill with.

i'm nervous about the 37 hour bus ride there.
but i'll have my cell phone and AIM and books and music and art and my camera.
there is most deffinitly a lack of ciggabutts to last throughout the trip though. that will have to be solved tomorrow morning.
as for tonight i'll re-read The Nature of Jade.
smoke a butt or two.
watch t.v. with the kids.
tuck the two little ones in for the last time, read a story, play the temporary big sister role that they love so much.
chill with Luke for a bit.
then off to bed.

mind numbing

so i'm pretty messed up.
not as bad off as some people.
but sometimes i feel like no one gets me.
and it's true. most people don't get me.
and how can they because most of the time i don't understand myself,
the things i do nor the motives behind them.
so how exactly can anyone else figure me out if i can't figure myself out?
if i don't know what my problems are how can someone i don't know walk in and try to explain all my issues to me?
i know i have problems. i enjoy pills too much for my own good. and if i don't stop it will become a problem.
i have a way of thinking most people don't get.
i'm a bit of a hypocrite, but at least i know it, and can admit to it.
i don't like that aspect of myself.
i don't like not knowing what's wrong with me. why i act the way i do. why i do the things i do.
sometimes i feel so messed up in the head, all these thoughts swarming around and i just feel like screaming.
and the only thing that eases that are the pills and the weed and the cutting.
they calm me, so i can handle life. and i know it's wrong to use them as an escape, but that's how i deal. i run from my problems.

is there anyone that gets that? that ever feels like they just want to explode with frustration for no reason? or am i alone in the world?

If love is a hurricane, than i am a tree.

Love scares me.
I'm running from it, in order to keep myself from getting hurt.

He's my first love.there will be others.none like him though.when it's happening to you it feels infinite. and when it ends it's as if your whole world is ending right along with it. we're not together any more we haven't really been for a while. he's seeing someone new. and i have interest in other guys, but we still talk everyday. make time for each other. "I love you" is always the last thing said before any phone is hung up. "I miss you"'s are exchanged. and it's true. I miss him. I will always love him. He's been through so many women in his life it's crazy that even though he's seeing someone else he still calls me, still wants me home, still wants to be with me. He wants me to be his ending. but for me, he's only my beginning. and i know that. But sometimes he's all i can see. he's all that i want. that's why i'm distancing myself farther from him. Maine to Chicago, Chicago to Wyoming.  Across the country is a big enough distance, right? to forget someone. but the thing is, i can't forget him. I'm not sure i even want to. He was a lot of firsts for me. he was my everything for so long that when i left it seemed as though i had nothing. sometimes it still seems that way.
I sometimes wonder what his friends would think or say if they heard they way we talk, the things we talk about. a previous friend of his(who didn't like me to begin with) found it incredulous that we could still have anything to talk about for an hour and a half.
Is life always so complicated?
do all relationships continue even after the've been broken?
what's going to happen when i go home in a month and a half?
will we both have moved on? Will we still feel the same?

surveys make happy times.

1. Do you still talk to the first person you loved?
i do. i still love him too.

2. Have you ever seen your best friend nked?
ha... yes

3. Are you obsessed with someone?

4. What is the best thing about your job?
nothing i baby sit. nothing good about that.

5. Do you like more than one person right now?
I love my somewhat boyfriend. but i will admit i have an eency weency crush on someone else here.

6. Name something that you would love to eat right now.

7. Did you get any compliments today?
no. i look like sh*t and i've accomplished nothing special.

8.Where are you going on your next vacation?
i don't know.

9. Who was the last person to call you?
my aunt.

10. Are most of your friends guys or s?

11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?

12. If you could pick the temperature of the outdoors for the rest of your life, what would it be?

13. If you could have one super power what would it be?
flying. i would love to fly.

14. Last text from?
Krista. she wanted to off some vicccs

16. Are you happy?
no. i want to kill myself.

17. What's your favorite smell?
Jake;Old spice,cigarettes and beer. and gasoline.

18. What is your favorite sound?
Jake's voice.

19. Are you moody?
all the time. especially lately. look at me the wrong way and i'll be at your throat with a knife.

20. Favorite movie of all time?
How to deal.

21. Have you ever done anything hurtful to a classmate?

22. Last person you hung out with?
I took my little cousin pumpkin picking.

23. Have you ever tried to get back with an ex?
um... nope.

24. Have you ever toilet papered someone's house?

25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
almost every person i've ever liked.

26. Have you ever gone camping?
i lived in maine my whole life. so dur.

27. Are you friends with all your exs?
i guess you could call him my ex. yea we're still friends.

28. Have you ever gone to a beach?

29. Do you like your penmanship?
sometimes. when i'm good at it.

30. Have you ever had a stalker?
yess. creeepy.

31 Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
hahaha. yea. fun fun timess.

32. Thirsty?

33. Listening to music? What are you listening to?
Fcking Hostile- Pantera

35. Have you ever been betrayed by your best friend?

36. Have you ever lied to your parents?

37. Have you ever been out of the US?

38. Have you ever thrown up from working out?

39. Have you ever gotten a bad haircut?

40. Have you eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in one day?
eww. no. yuck.

41. Where is your brother right now?
Probably at home.

42. Last place you kissed someone?
my beddd.

43. Name three things you did today:?
pumpkin picking. lots of phone calls. lots of crying.

44. Last person you text messaged?

45. Future kids names?
not sure. not really liking kids right now.

46. What are you listening to?
violent prnography- system of a down

49. Do you have a chair in your room?

50. Is your family close?
imediate family? no. the rest of my family. aunts and everything they're all pretty gossipy.

51. What are you doing tomorrow?
getting high probably. going to church.:-/

52. Do you know anyone named Betsy?
yea. ewww. i should have ran her over with my car.

53. What color is your mom's hair?

54. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid?
you couldn't get my cousin and i to shut up.

55. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
i would.

56. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings and what did you say?
a few months ago. it was a bye you little as* hole.

57. Do you play an instrument?

58. Do you like fire?

59. Are you allergic to anything?

60. Relationship status?
heart? taken. but if you're down for a plain old physical no strings thing i'm your .

61. Best friends?
love them

62. Do you love someone right now?

65. Who is your favorite in the family?

66. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
at some point in my very early childhood. when i thought all teachers knew everything. and then i found out my dad was lying.

67. Is anyone jealous of you?
no. why? should they be?

68. When is the last time you got flowers?
Jake put a flower in my car. back when i was still in Maine, and we things were perfect.

69. Where were you 2 hours ago?
washing dishes.

70. Where were you 4 hours ago?
picking pumpkins. i think.

71. What does your hair look like right now?
it's under a hat.

72. Has anyone ever used you?
yea. people like to use me.

73. Has anyone ever told you that they like you more than as a friend?

74. What have you eaten today?

75. Is your hair naturally curly, straight, or nappy?
wavy. used to be really curly.

76. Who was the last friend you were in the car with?
i don't have friends here. so it was a while ago. probably krista

77. What are you looking forward to?
my freedom. 53 days away.